DOMESTIC HOMELESSNESS

The first thing you need to do as a family is sit down and decide who or what you want to help. This really does need to be a family decision, so everyone is in agreement about getting involved and working together, and so everyone has a say. It's also important because the reason an adult picks a project is often completely different to why a child picks the same project. Discussion helps you understand the others reasons for wanting to help. It lets you delve into your child’s psyche and see how they view the world. This is my favorite part, the decision making conversation, because I learn so much about the inner workings of my child’s mind. I see his morality, why he thinks the way he does, his rationalizations for getting involved. They're so different from mine. It's wonderful to find out your child is an individual.

Recently my family took a three day cruise to Mexico. When we reached Ensenada we were directed to a bus supplied by the cruise line to take us to the main shopping area. We got off the bus and were immediately surrounded by small poor disheveled children, no older than four or five, selling chewing gum, bracelets, and other trinkets to raise money. We made it half way to the shopping area when my son started crying. ‘I need to go back to the boat, I can’t stay here’ he said. I asked why and he said he couldn't be around the children. He felt so sorry for them and helpless because there was nothing he could do. He could give them change but he couldn’t give them enough that it would stop the fact that they were living in poverty. Plus there were so many of them, he said he felt their pain and he couldn’t deal with it all around him. He saw their poverty, homelessness, ragged clothes, hunger, lack of education all in just one glance. He saw that Poverty, is the serpent that gives birth to most of mankind’s troubles.

Poverty leads to one thing that is visible in all communities rich and poor - Homelessness. It's an issue kids see every day; yet only notice it peripherally or not at all. Though when they get close to it, or it invades their safety zone it terrifies them – scary people. Why would children think like that? Who would have influenced their reaction to them, perhaps we as parents, their peers, the media? Why would they assume they’re mostly bad people, criminals, mentally ill, smelly in unwashed clothes and mismatched shoes, pushing carts filled with garbage and their belongings, mumbling to themselves as they ramble down the street. That they sleep on sidewalks, in alleyways and hold up signs saying ‘Will work for food;’ and block your way into stores while they badger you for money. Granted as we all have seen some of this is true but most of it is stereotype.

In reality; anyone can be homeless, young or old, men or women or children, single people or whole families. The formerly rich, the person who lived at the top of the hill in the big house. The three kids whose real estate broker dad, and financial analyst mom, both lost their jobs. The Yale grad who couldn’t find a job after graduation. The disabled vet who lost his leg in Vietnam, the grandmother with diabetes who has to choose between rent and medication. Homeless people live in cities, suburbs, and the country. Some have a job, some have three jobs, but many don't work for whatever reason. It's not our place to judge, it's our place to help because in a sense, we’re all really just a step away from homelessness.

Some people are homeless for only a short time; they just need a little bit of help to get them on their feet. Others, sadly, can be homeless for longer – months or even years. Some facts: on a given night approximately 1.2 million CHILDREN in the U.S. are homeless. Families are the fastest growing percentage of the homeless population – accounting for 40%. These are not lazy people or crazy people or careless people. They are just caught up in a whirlwind not of their making that they can't get out of. We need to help them if only to make them more comfortable and give them some dignity. Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity.

So where do people go? Various people go to homeless shelters. A shelter is place one can stay temporarily while they don’t have a home. Shelters are generally not nice places. Many are very safe but small number are dangerous enough that people would rather stay on the street than have to risk their lives and goods for a night of sleeping with one eye open. Depending upon who runs the shelter some provide only a place to sleep, others provide food, clothing, job training, even medical and legal services. Various shelters have activities for homeless children like crafts and games and tutoring. The really lucky homeless are given help by the shelter staff so they can eventually move into transitional housing which helps them get back on their feet.

Why are people homeless? Big question. In the richest country in the world you would think we’d be able to have enough housing for all. But sadly that’s not the way it works. There is just not enough affordable housing for working people. If a couple makes minimum wage and works 40 hours a week equaling about $1000 a month and their one bedroom apartment costs $650 that doesn’t leave much for food, clothing, medical care, transportation and bills. Imagine that same income but add two children into the equation, one under the age of five. Now you have to pay for childcare as well. How are these hardworking people expected to live? Many as I said before, have two or three jobs and they still can't make it! These people work hard they should at least have access to have the basic necessities of life.

Luckily, there are many ways in which we can help the homeless without spending a dime, this is called 'donations-in-kind'. In this economy donations-in-kind can be a real object lesson for kids and parents. Instead of throwing out the things you no longer use, give them to someone in need, someone who can’t afford the basic necessities of life. Make your kids work a little. Have them start a warm coat drive, blanket drive, stuffed animal drive at school or scouts or just in your neighborhood. Kids can make hygiene bags – take a wash cloth, fold it in half, sew along the sides to make a little bag and fill with sample size soap, shampoo, deodorant, toothpaste, a toothbrush and a few candies. For childrens bags you could do the same but put in kids shampoo, etc. and maybe a tiny toy. Again ask your schoolmates and neighbors to buy a few of these items on their next shopping trip, send out a flyer! You can donate pots and pans and household items to battered womens shelters like Haven House, for women who are setting up new households for themselves. You can give gently used clothing, some places take used mens and womens suits for individuals who have been retrained and need clothes for job interviews. Baby clothes and school clothes are always in need, as are shoes and gently used toys and books. If you want to spend some money buy new underwear and socks in different sizes and donate that. When you go through your house and you see what you've come up with to give to those less fortunate, make your kids look at that pile and discuss with them how fortunate you all are. These are just a few projects you can do with kids of any age.

Another project, perhaps more difficult for some is the following. Sometimes you'll see a homeless person begging for cash outside your local donut shop or 7-Eleven, if you are opposed to giving them money, that’s fine. As an alternative, offer to buy them a coffee and Danish or muffin. Really want to be nice? Escort them into the store and talk to them as you’re both picking out your food. It’s called giving someone back their dignity. I won’t lie, some people will say no to the food, they’ll just want the money, and then it’s a judgment call on your part as to what you do. It’s a hard decision, but you have to go with your gut instinct. There are fakers out there.But when your kid sees you help someone in dire straights in a humane way, treating them like you would treat anyone else, as if there is no difference between you and them – and there really isn’t it’s just a matter of chance - it makes a real impression on them. My son still talks about the people we’ve met and spoken to and he now he helps people on his own initiative. By me showing him we are the same - a smile begets a smile which begets a laugh, a hello turns into schmoozing, and a good deed brings as much joy to the giver as to the receiver - it caused him to stop noticing differences, just seeing similarities. Everyone wants to feel respected, loved, appreciated sometimes all it takes is a cup of coffee.

PART II

OK, I was going to go into the issues in this post. How to explain poverty, homelessness, hunger, etc. to your kids, but I felt I had more to say about communication. So, here goes...how do you talk to a child of any age to make them understand the problems of the world without either alarming them or having them tune you out completely? Well, like I said before, discussion. At my house we talk about everything, which occasionally freaks my husband out, but when a subject comes up, and believe me if you can think of a topic its come up in my house, we talk about it. Our conversation is always natural not nervous, and based on what my child has seen, heard or experienced.

Like we do, you need to ask your kids what they think about the subject and don't forget 'why'. Respect their opinion, then objectively ask them to rationalize their opinion. Again, why do they think the way they do, what have they seen or been told? If they’ve got their facts wrong gently correct them and show them why they are under the wrong impression. Point out the obvious and explain the facts simply, tell them the 'age appropriate' truth about why things are the way they are. You wouldn't give a second grader the mechanics of sex, it's the same with this don't be brutal or shove it down their throats. Speak to them the way you want them to speak to you especially with teens, be respectful, bring them up to your level. They’ll respect, appreciate and love you for it.

Keep your opinions out of it. Actually that's not true, I always put in my opinions but I do precede my statements with 'this is my opinion, it may not be yours, you don't have to agree with me, you are entitled to your own opinion just like everyone else is.' Keep in mind what an opinion is. An opinion is just that, it is not a truth and it has no value except to express one person’s point of view. This is a discussion. Give your kid some credit, don't discount what they have to say. Kids are very smart, they are also observant, savvy and long to be listened to and taken seriously. Don't talk down to them and they may surprise you with their insight. I love kids and I always speak to them as if they were adults, and not little adults either. They know that I'm paying attention to every word they say, and that I'm taking them seriously. That's how I get them to excel in their ideas, because I show them I believe in them. If you don't believe in them, they're not going to believe they can make a difference in this world. To them, every idea will be your idea, why should they contribute. Let it be their idea. They're our future.'Til next time...

HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS STUFF?

How do we get our kids to understand the who, why and how of the societal issues we want to focus on? I equate it to talking to your kids about sex. You give them just enough information you think they can handle at their age. There are definitely issues kids are not going to be able to understand at certain ages. A twelve-year-old won't to be able to relate to the rape of a women who leaves the safety of her home in a refugee camp to look for wood for cooking. But, they will understand that women who leave the refugee camps to look for firewood can get hurt by bad people and one way to keep them safe is by donating $6 to purchase a solar stove so she can stay safe in the camp.

I also don't recommend preaching. I use the 'Socratic Method' or as my mother called it the 'Jewish Method'; you answer a question with a question. A great example...I was discussing homelessness with a group of seventh grade girls that were in my afterschool Kids Care Volunteerism Club. Kids Care is an organization that promotes volunteerism in, obviously, kids. The kids design and implement projects both domestic and global. They do it all from start to finish, the adult is only a facilitator.

So, anyway, there I was with the lovely Gigi, Francesca, Georgie, and Christina. I opened with, 'What would you do if you were a single mom with no job, and no place to live.' Someone held her hand up and said, '...well I'd get a job.' I asked, 'Where could you get a job that would allow you to bring your kids to work with you.' Another said, 'Well, first I'd get an apartment and leave my child with someone in the building.' I asked, 'How are you going to get an apartment without a job or money and what crazy person leaves their kid with someone they don't know?' Another said she'd live with family. I queried, 'What if your family threw you out and wouldn't take you back or your family lived far away or was too poor to give you money.' The next suggestion was, they'd get money from the baby's dad. My reply, 'What if you don't know where he lives, or if he flat out refuses to pay.' This incredibly frustrating conversation went back and forth for twenty minutes. Finally, Georgie screamed out, 'OK! What's the right answer?' I calmly said, with a big smile on my face, there is no right answer, that's where you come in.

These girls had no idea about life outside their middle class safety zone. They learned about life on TV. By the end of the class I showed them that life does not have clear cut answers. That homelessness means joblessness and hunger and poverty and fear. The great thing was that they loved the discussion as irksome as it was. The project they came up with was two-fold. Part one was having girls at their school donate gently used dance gear to a professional dance school in Sarajevo that teaches girls affected by the war; Part two, having girls and boys donate used soccer gear and Spanish language bibles for the underprivileged in Honduras via an organization called Soccer for Life. We sent off six HUGE boxes, 3 for each project. They were so proud of what they had done and the response from their peers was extraordinary. We had kids, unrelated to the group, who would automatically check the drop off pails everyday to see how much was collected so far. Four hundred people got involved, and it started with only four twelve-year-old's. Not bad.

Rather drone on to a kid, 'Well, here's the list...the issues are poverty, homelessness, hunger, the elderly, foster kids, the critically ill, literacy, immigration, blah, blah, blah. Explain! For example - WHAT IS POVERTY? It's being poor, so poor you can't afford food, a home, clothes, books, toys. Poverty is the root cause, but not the only cause, of most of the pain out there. Some people are poor because they physically can't work, they're disabled and depend upon money from the government, which isn't really enough to support them. Some people don't have jobs because they don't have an education, or skills, or can't speak the language, or there just are no more jobs in their field. Some people have jobs but they don't pay enough to support the family, so they have to take a second job and sometimes even that isn't enough. When explaining NEVER blame the victim, NEVER put down the victim, NEVER abuse the victim, be compassionate, and always, always tell the truth. OK, the guy on the corner collecting change may be an alcoholic, but do we know what happened in his life that put him in that situation? It is so easy to fall into the trap of 'well these people are unfortunate but they've done it to themselves.' That's crazy! No one chooses this kind of life, I mean would you? If not then how can you assume that that they do?

In my next post I'll go over the actual issues I mentioned above and give you basic explanations and insights that will help you explain, what I guess I'd call 'life' to your kids. Do a good deed today it'll make you feel good. Also, kiss your kids, and tell them you love them.